Today’s holiday guest authors is fellow Sirenista Tianna Xander, with an amusing twist on the old Christmas classic. (I’ll let you read it for yourself, but fair warning, make sure you put down your drink and swallow what’s in your mouth.) And please check her book out and show her a little love.
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Twas the Night Before a Redneck Christmas
by Tianna Xander
Twas the night before Christmas when all through the town, the townsfolk were driving their cars just like clowns. Fat Santas at storefronts rang bells over their buckets with flair, and hoped that some people would throw money in there. The children, all snug as bugs in their beds, dreamed of electronic presents, not caring their parents were poor little peasants.
With Bubba in his t-shirt and me in my gown we sat by the window to watch that white crap come down. When up on the roof was raised such a racket Bubba spit his beer at the TV and hit Buddy Hacket. I jumped from the sofa, and to the window I flew, where I saw reindeer–not one but a slew!
The spotlight gleamed down on the glistening snow, and gave the illusion of rhinestone cowboys below. Then what to my startled eyes should appear, but a little fat man with a twelve pack of beer.
The ale was an off brand no doubt bitter and skunky. I grimaced at Bubba who I noticed was also quite chunky. The little fat man gave Bubba the beer, and turned to me his expression full of good cheer. He winked and he grinned, his chubby red face filled with glee, “Where’s your toilet, ma’am? Have I gotta pee.”
I showed him the way as Bubba chugged down his drink. It’s a good thing too, because the fat man leaned to the right and puked in the sink.
Santa turned and stumbled toward me his eyes red and glassy, “Next year I’ll be sure to drink something classy.” He walked toward the fire, then stumbled and clamored.
Holy cow! The man sure was hammered. Standing before the chimney, he set down his glass, dropped his holey jeans and showed me his ass. As rosy red cheeks stared me in the face I cried out alarmed and stepped back a pace.
Out in the yard we heard a loud gun blast, “I have to get going, my deer are out classed!” Santa pulled up his drawers and turned, his eyes wide, “Oh, no,” he exclaimed. “I think Rudolf just died!” As he entered the fireplace to quickly depart, there was a small explosion as he shot up the chimney with a great giant fart.
“Now Hokey! Now Pokey
Now Dumbo! Now Don!
On Surly! On Burly!
On Crapper and Jon!”
We heard him exclaim as he drove out of sight,
“I’ll get you, you bastard, you shot out my light!”
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Blurb: Where There is Hope (Taos Wolven Mates 2)
When Hope Ackerman is kidnapped by two of the hottest young men she has ever seen, she’s more worried about their age than the fact they’re werewolves from another planet. Taken from her world and into the Old West, can she overcome the fact she’s an older woman lusting after two younger men…or is she?
When the sentient warship Carella flings Braxton Nylund and Joran Keavy into the future to find their mate, they waste no time snatching the beauty up when they find her. Returning to the nineteenth century, the two men must convince Hope that not only are they meant to be together, but they aren’t as young as they appear.
Can the three find a way to live, laugh, and love together in the past, or will Hope insist they return her to her empty life in the future?