Source: Schick.com

Dear makers of Schick Quattro for Women,

For some reason, you seem to think that the planet’s women are either richer than Scrooge McDuck, or pre-pubescent teenaged girls who don’t care about function over form.

For the record, I neither go around sniffing the handles of my razors, nor am I a petite, eight-fingered monkey–which, apparently you need to be to master the damn grip on this stupid thing.

The last criteria I use when selecting a razor is the scent. The first two considerations are 1) Can I shave the hair off my legs, pits, and wookie without also carving off slabs of my flesh like Canadian bacon, and 2) Will I be able to afford to purchase them without mortgaging my first-born child to do so?

That’s it.

You claim four blades and these little wire guard thingies over them. Well, guess what? It takes me like three passes–with a NEW DAMN RAZOR–to actually get a decent shave.

I don’t care about the colors. I could care LESS what color they are. And if you’re charging me more for the scent? Screw you.

The only reason I picked these up in the first place was because they fell somewhere in the price range between WTF are they on for charging THAT and those will chop my ankles off like a possessed weed whacker.

I guess the bottom line is I need to switch to men’s disposable razors. Unless, you know, you start making them smell like leather or remote controls or shit like that. Then I guess I’m screwed. I don’t need so many freaking curves and contours on a damn handle that I have to master yoga to learn how to use it. Half the time, my hands don’t want to work right anyway, so your curvy handles are actually a HINDERANCE to me getting a good shave.

Two or three blades? Okay. Four I believe is overkill, especially when the little wire thingies make it harder to get a good shave. (I think you just want to charge more for the extra blades.) A pivoting head. A razor I can get at least a week’s worth of shaving out of (legs, pits, wookie, and occasionally my neck but hey, I’m going to be forty-three this year, so don’t judge).

Ditch the scents. Ditch the avant-garde artistic handles. They suck anyway.

Give us gals a REASONABLY priced razor that does a REASONABLY decent job without taking off too much flesh to the bone in the process.


And so, my search for a decent razor continues… Feel free to sound off about your rants in the comments.

Dear Schick: Screw you, you clueless twits.
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17 thoughts on “Dear Schick: Screw you, you clueless twits.

  • April 13, 2014 at 10:53 am

    I say send this in to them. Lol. Too freaking hilarious.

  • April 13, 2014 at 11:00 am

    Hey Tymber, Hubby introduced me to the Shick Intuition Razor ( http://www.walmart.com/ip/34754463?wmlspartner=wlpa&adid=22222222227022944081&wl0=&wl1=g&wl2=c&wl3=36045425821&wl4=&wl5=pla&wl6=65066904301&veh=sem ) and it works WONDERFULLY for the legs pits and most of the cooter area, for that delicate area I use his Quatro mens razor. It’s not possessed, weed-whacker or lawn mower! With the ugly ass demon scars on my left leg/ankle imitating the sinkholes now found in Detroit, I have to be careful what I use, I could make my poor leg look like a mouse infested block of Swiss cheese! Add in that you don’t really need to worry about the added difficulty of balancing like a stoned out Stork on one leg while attempting to portray the mystical skills of Ralph Machio from the Karate Kid!

    The replacement cartridges aren’t too ungodly priced either which makes it even nicer! And with the added bonus of built in shaving cream/soap, that’s one less expense to deal with. The handle isn’t Yoda’s version of Origami, it actually allows the hand to grip gently instead of trying to contort it out of place. And finally; there’s no “they say it smells nice, but I’ve smelled better things coming out of a week old baby’s diaper!” to deal with!

  • April 13, 2014 at 11:02 am

    ↑↑↑DITTO↑↑↑ Of course, waxing does a better job than anything, but I’m not into the pain so much unless I’m reading one of your books that will add the pleasure as a side dish. Bic Men’s disposable razors are the only razors I’ve found that will do a half-way decent job at clearing the forest(s) and are reasonably priced in convenient economical packs. I don’t have to constantly make swipes…okay, maybe 2 or 3 swipes depending on the thickness of the forest(s) and how often I prune…and I don’t have to change blades.

  • April 13, 2014 at 11:03 am

    This is so true! Also the reason I switched to only using men’s razors years ago.

  • April 13, 2014 at 11:24 am

    Best razor I ever used – men’s Trac 2. Women’s razors are like women’s clothes – priced higher for no damn good reason.

  • April 13, 2014 at 11:29 am

    I get 2 blades. Any more just causes me terrible ingrown hairs. I get a 10/12 pack of basic 2 blade disposables for $5. Truthfully I prefer my epilator and only use razors for sensitive areas and if I am wearing hose.

  • April 13, 2014 at 11:34 am

    I have yet to find one that works well too…why is it so hard?

  • April 13, 2014 at 11:46 am

    This is going to sound weird to younger women but I know it’s not totally off the wall because it happened to my friend too. As I got older and menopausal I stopped growing hair on my legs and it has thinned out dramatically under my arms and in my nether region. I’ve noticed on women who are in their 70’s and 80’s and 90’s that they have no eyebrows. I don’t know if this is all good or bad but I can say that the only marks on my legs now are from the cat.

  • April 13, 2014 at 11:48 am

    Dollar Shave Club. Look into it.

  • April 13, 2014 at 2:48 pm

    I use the Bic Soleil. Yes, the handles are a teeny bit curvy, and they’re sniffy, and they come in pretty colors, but they’re simple enough. None of the whole soap and razor all in one thing crap. They are sharp, but I rarely cut myself because they do have a pivoting head. They’re mid price, and I can make one razor last a month or more. Of course, that’s probably because I hate to shave my legs (I’m a fat chick, not a contortionist.), and George doesn’t mind the stubble.

    I do treat myself to monthly Brazilians. It sure doesn’t tickle, but it’s way better than trying to shave the cookie.

  • April 13, 2014 at 8:37 pm

    Ditto to everything!!! About 2 years ago I finally decided to go the Laser route. I have been disappointed to discover that it is not the instant permanent hair removal that is promoted in advertisement.. but maybe that is also due to the very reason I am doing it.. wacky hormones doing it in the first place… and yes it is expensive. I am also going with medical lasers as opposed to only cosmetic trained, here where I live that is an important distinction. The thing is you do need to be shaving so that the hair is short, dark and ‘hard’. I am loving the results of having soft skin as opposed to harsh dark stubble. I have noticed that the same brand mentioned by Tymber just was not cutting anything, the cost was far greater than my husbands razors so I turned back to using his razors and buying a larger pack. I agree that the pivot head with 3 blades is important not the colour, scent or design of the handle…. but Tymber you said it all so much more colourfully than I. Go girl! πŸ™‚

  • April 14, 2014 at 7:26 am

    Beware of the disposable razors. They are sharp and doesn’t my skin know it. I have a Wilkinson Sword lady’s razor but buy the man’s heads for it as they are waaay cheaper and work better. If you can stand the pain and the cost then waxing beats all and yes, as you get older the thatch gets thinner.

  • April 14, 2014 at 9:21 am

    Check out the Dollar Shave Club. It’s geared toward men but to me a razor is a razor. My husband started using these razors and now I do too.

    • April 14, 2014 at 9:38 am

      @Keri – Funny you should say that, LOL. I had a link for it cross my Facebook feed yesterday, and I went ahead and put an order in. I’ll report back wether or not I like it.

  • April 14, 2014 at 10:01 am

    I use Wilkinson as well. They are stupid expensive. I have enough to probably last me 6 montsh because I bought after I bought because I forgot that I bought… how’s that for confusing? LOL

    Waiting on your review for the dollar shave club, and if hubby uses too, let me know what he thinks. Ron’s super picky about his razors.

  • April 14, 2014 at 10:33 am

    Much to the dismay of all the testosterone in my house, I use my hubby’s razors. They cost a fortune so I figure I should get some use of of them too. I think I should just get is all lasered off and be done with it. At 44, who needs the hassle? πŸ˜€

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