So yesterday I had that most humiliating of experiences, one that ranks right up there with annual pap smears, prostate exams, and having a child under the age of four teach you how to use technology.

Yes, I had to go shopping for a new bathing suit.

When I went to put my nearly two-year-old one-piece, discount-store bathing suit on yesterday morning before heading to the gym, I realized it was, literally, disintegrating in several places.


Now, let me add I’m no fashionista. I wear Sponge Bob and Scooby Doo pajama pants in the winter as work clothes. I am not looking for fancy. I’m looking for something that will hold up to several pool sessions a week at the gym and not make me look like a total cow in the process.

And cheap. Cheap is very good.

Unfortunately, I was in a hurry to get to the gym, and as we are heading into that season of the year we here in Florida term “snowbird season” (the rest of you, I believe, call it “winter”) it means the only discount swimsuits you can find are either hideous or I can’t fit one chunky thigh through.

Note: I am built in the way people term “pear-shaped.” I think they think it sounds more healthy. You know, “apple-shaped,” “pear-shaped,” “banana-shaped”…

Wait, I digress.

Anyway, to put it bluntly, I’m built like the Titanic: everything goes to the bottom.

And since I was in a hurry, I went to Sports Authority because they were easy to get to, I figured they’d have something, and I HATE to shop for swimsuits.



Fucking HATE.

Get the picture?

So they have very little selection (surprise, surprise) because of the time of year. Nothing on the clearance rack fits me (of course). And even the standard swim-team fare, black with either blue, pink, or purple on the sides, has nothing in my size.

So what’s left is the black with a little white trim. Okay, FINE. WHATEVER.


WTF size am I?

Oh joy, they are all European (or whatever) sized. I guessed I’d be an 18/20, which is like a size 362 or some bullshit and DEFINITELY doesn’t inspire a positive self-image. (Okay, more like size 40-something.)

I grab what I finally figured out was an 18 and tried it on. It’s made of Lycra and supposed to stand up to chlorine better.

I can BARELY get it on.


I try the 20.

It’s too frakking big.


I settled for the 18 because I figured it’d be inspiration for continuing with the pool work to get rid of this extra junk in the trunk I’m carrying around.


Okay, I don’t pay $70 for SHOES, much less clothing.

But unfortunately, it was all I could get if I wanted to get to the pool. I suspected the club employees would frown on me swimming in Hello Kitty panties and a work-out bra.

I consulted with Hubby and despite me cringing at the cost, I bought it. Managed to squeeze into it at the gym, and did my hour in the pool.

So now, to add onto the ever-growing list of mental flagellation I heap upon myself to keep working every day and not get lazy, I’ve added making sure I drag my as to the gym several days a week to justify the cost of buying the damn suit.


How’s your Monday going? Feel like sharing your embarrassing clothes-shopping stories? (It’d make me feel better. LOL)

Monday Musing: Nothing as humiliating as a new swimsuit search.
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8 thoughts on “Monday Musing: Nothing as humiliating as a new swimsuit search.

  • October 8, 2012 at 3:33 pm

    I mainly shop online; however, I recently had to attend a fundraising event and needed a pair of black pants. So at the department store I grabbed a bunch of cords, jeans, slacks to try on forgetting that leggings and skinny jeans are now in style. The horror! I pretty much laughed hysterically. Found a pair of black cords a pair of black straight legged jeans and spent wayyy to much money.

    Got home and tried them on along with the 4 blouses I’d previously bought online and asked my son & husband’s opinion. They liked the bright blue shirt because my boobs were practically falling out. Now I don’t normally have issues showing off my assets; however, have you seen the latest blouse styles. Tunic styles that bring back flashbacks of those godawful maternity tops. Sigh!

  • October 8, 2012 at 3:58 pm

    Great story, and yes, I laughed out loud. I know you needed a suit right away, but it is always swim season when you order online. I’m not a shopper, and I don’t know what I’d do if it weren’t for online shopping. Below is a link to one of my favorite sites:

  • October 8, 2012 at 4:11 pm

    I had to buy a new one for this past weekend. I have to say that Target actually had a plus size swim suit with two straps, not just one. The straps were even adjustable. I’m not sure why designers think that someone with breasts my size wants to see them held up by one single strap behind my neck. Ouch! Can you say chiropractor? I complained about $50, but having worn it all weekend, it was so worth it.

  • October 8, 2012 at 6:05 pm

    I shop online too…it saves all the embarrassment.
    Mind, I can’t remember the last time I wore a swimsuit…can’t even remember if I’ve got one.
    The $70 will be worth it if you do get to the pool more often.
    Hugs xx

  • October 8, 2012 at 8:36 pm

    Oh my. See I’ve avoided going to the beach, the pool or the lake for the last month due to lack of a swimsuit right now. Mine did the fall apart thing last month when I wore it to Aquatica. *head/desk* I’m avoiding replacing it like the plague so I’m so with you there. I hate paying the prices for them and they all manage to make me look like a beached whale. I don’t dare shop online as I would end up sending everything back because I would not manage to get the correct size ordering that way. Online clothes shopping is a nightmare for me.

  • October 8, 2012 at 9:55 pm

    I def hate shopping for swim suits. Girls weekend at the casino bought one but they only had halter tank ones but I couldnt get two different sizes so being very top heavy I had to squeeze the girls in.

  • October 9, 2012 at 1:50 am

    even though we in Australia are known for our swimming and surfing.. it is not true for everyone! I avoid the buying of the swimsuit trauma by not swimming.. i really dont enjoy it anyway. 🙂 so it is all good!

  • October 9, 2012 at 1:56 pm

    @Ratatosk – I can do online for some things, like shoes. I really can’t for too many clothes because of the wide differences in styles. Unless I’ve used a retailer before and know how stuff runs there.

    @Bonnie C – Thanks for the link, I’ll check them out!

    @Jennifer – I love Target, but if they hadn’t had one, I would have had to schlep all the way back to
    S.A. At least there’s also a Dick’s across the road from S.A., so if I hadn’t found one there, that would have been my next stop.

    @SusieJ – Yeah, I’m taking a pool break today to let my body rest, but I will definitely get my money’s worth out of it. lol

    @Rose – Yeah, online ordering of clothes for me is tricky.

    @Sandra – LOL I’m the opposite. If I can squeeze my butt in, the girls want to fall out because the top’s too big. LOL

    @Vanessa – My problem is the pool seems to be the most effective exercise for me for my fibro, so avoidance isn’t an option. LOL And I do enjoy pool swimming. Lakes and oceans, not so much. LOL

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