So yesterday I had that most humiliating of experiences, one that ranks right up there with annual pap smears, prostate exams, and having a child under the age of four teach you how to use technology.
Yes, I had to go shopping for a new bathing suit.
When I went to put my nearly two-year-old one-piece, discount-store bathing suit on yesterday morning before heading to the gym, I realized it was, literally, disintegrating in several places.
Now, let me add I’m no fashionista. I wear Sponge Bob and Scooby Doo pajama pants in the winter as work clothes. I am not looking for fancy. I’m looking for something that will hold up to several pool sessions a week at the gym and not make me look like a total cow in the process.
And cheap. Cheap is very good.
Unfortunately, I was in a hurry to get to the gym, and as we are heading into that season of the year we here in Florida term “snowbird season” (the rest of you, I believe, call it “winter”) it means the only discount swimsuits you can find are either hideous or I can’t fit one chunky thigh through.
Note: I am built in the way people term “pear-shaped.” I think they think it sounds more healthy. You know, “apple-shaped,” “pear-shaped,” “banana-shaped”…
Wait, I digress.
Anyway, to put it bluntly, I’m built like the Titanic: everything goes to the bottom.
And since I was in a hurry, I went to Sports Authority because they were easy to get to, I figured they’d have something, and I HATE to shop for swimsuits.
Get the picture?
So they have very little selection (surprise, surprise) because of the time of year. Nothing on the clearance rack fits me (of course). And even the standard swim-team fare, black with either blue, pink, or purple on the sides, has nothing in my size.
So what’s left is the black with a little white trim. Okay, FINE. WHATEVER.
WTF size am I?
Oh joy, they are all European (or whatever) sized. I guessed I’d be an 18/20, which is like a size 362 or some bullshit and DEFINITELY doesn’t inspire a positive self-image. (Okay, more like size 40-something.)
I grab what I finally figured out was an 18 and tried it on. It’s made of Lycra and supposed to stand up to chlorine better.
I can BARELY get it on.
I try the 20.
It’s too frakking big.
I settled for the 18 because I figured it’d be inspiration for continuing with the pool work to get rid of this extra junk in the trunk I’m carrying around.
Okay, I don’t pay $70 for SHOES, much less clothing.
But unfortunately, it was all I could get if I wanted to get to the pool. I suspected the club employees would frown on me swimming in Hello Kitty panties and a work-out bra.
I consulted with Hubby and despite me cringing at the cost, I bought it. Managed to squeeze into it at the gym, and did my hour in the pool.
So now, to add onto the ever-growing list of mental flagellation I heap upon myself to keep working every day and not get lazy, I’ve added making sure I drag my as to the gym several days a week to justify the cost of buying the damn suit.
How’s your Monday going? Feel like sharing your embarrassing clothes-shopping stories? (It’d make me feel better. LOL)