Here’s the version at MY house:
From Apache (our 100+ pound Goldadore moose):
Apache: OWT OF KAT FOOD.
Me: There’s cat food in the bowls on the table.
Apache: NO DEREZ NOT.
Me: Did you eat the cat food out of the bowls on the table?
Apache: MAYBE. KATS R MAD. OWT OF KAT FOOD.
Me: No, we’re NOT out of cat food. I have more in the bag on top of the fridge. I’ll feed them when I get home.
… Apache: WE OWT OF KAT FOOD ON TOP OF FRIDGE.
Or, this from Apache…
Me: I’ll feed you when I get home.
Apache: DER KAT POOP IN KAT PANZ. SMELZ.
Me: I’ll clean them when I get home.
…Apache: NOT HUNGREE.
Apache: KAT PANZ CLEEN. CAN I KISS U WHEN U GET HOME?
Or, this from one of the cats:
Dewey: The little dog in the crate is bitching again.
Me: I know. I’ll let her out when I get home.
Dewey: She keeps threatening to “keel” me if I don’t let her out. What does that mean?
Me: That’s she delusional and borderline psychotic.
Dewey: I already knew that. Can I taunt her?
Me: I wouldn’t recommend it.
Dewey: But it’s fun.
Me: It’s mean.
Dewey: And your point is…?
Gidget: De katz wunt let me owt.
Me: You’re not supposed to be out. You destroy the house because you freak out. And, you threatened to kill them.
Gidget: I didnent.
Me: You did.
Gidget: … Onwy tweatened dem becuz dey not let me owt. Wuld only keel dem a wittle, not a wot.
Me: I’ll be home in a little while. I’ll let you out when I get home.
Gidget: U will wue de day u didnent wet me owt. Start wuuing!
Me: You’re delusional. I’d only rue not locking you in your crate when I leave.
Gidget: No, i NOT. NOT dewuzhonal. Dunt even noe wut dat means.
Gidget: Wen i iz wuler of the wurld, u NOT gonna be mah hed minion!
Me: I’ll risk it.
Gidget: Skwew u!
…Gidget: Wen u gonna be home i mees u!
Me: You miss me? I thought you weren’t going to make me your head minion?
Gidget: im not… im feeckle.
Me: You’re not fickle, you’re psycho.
What would texts from your pets say?