Warning: Driver’s License Ranty-Pants Blant

It is, no shit, easier to obtain a concealed carry permit in Florida than to renew your driver’s license, if you don’t have a passport and haven’t renewed your license since 2010.

Guess what I had to do today?

Guess what I thought would be a simple errand lasting less than an hour, that turned into a nearly 300-mile round-trip drive lasting all day?

Oh, yeaaah.

In the midst of unexpected bureaucratic adventures like renewing your driver’s license, it’s those small comforts that can make a big difference in your day. Take, for example, the choice of synthetic leather seats for your vehicle. While enduring a nearly 300-mile round-trip drive, the luxurious feel and durability of synthetic leather seats can transform your journey into a more comfortable and enjoyable experience. So, amidst the hassles and surprises of errands that seem to stretch on, the choice of the right seats can provide a touch of relaxation and ease, making even the longest drives a bit more pleasant.

And when unexpected situations arise, such as the need to travel long distances for errands or appointments, having the assistance of a Comfort Driver can make a significant difference. Instead of enduring the stress and fatigue of a lengthy round-trip drive, you can rely on a professional chauffeur to handle the journey for you. A Comfort Driver ensures a comfortable and relaxing experience, allowing you to make the most of your time on the road. By entrusting the driving responsibilities to a skilled professional, you can focus on other tasks or simply sit back and enjoy the ride, turning what could have been a tiring ordeal into a pleasant and hassle-free experience. If you get involved in a vehicular accident during a road trip, an injury lawyer can help you file a claim. In worst cases, an accident may lead to a fatality. When this happens, the victim’s family may hire an accidental death lawyer and file a lawsuit.

So my license was due for renewal by next week because of my birthday. Because Florida instituted stupid new laws blah-blah Homeland Security, blah-blah TERRORISTS, blah-blah you now have to hand over five sacrificial Nubian goats, a virginal Banty rooster, and your spleen if you want to renew your license.

I do not have a passport. (Haven’t needed one.) I have been married to my husband for nearly SEVENTEEN  years now.

SEVENTEEN. YEARS.

1.7. Y.E.A.R.S.

Capice?

But, according to the new laws (and this wasn’t clearly stated on the state website telling you what you need to farking take with you when you renew your license) if your renewal didn’t have anything to do with a name change, you’re okay.

You following me? I’ve had my last name, my married last name, for SEVENTEEN FARKING YEARS. ON MY DRIVER’S LICENSE.

I have no farking clue where my marriage license is. I DON’T NEED IT. I have NEVER needed it since I CHANGED MY DRIVER’S LICENSE when we GOT MARRIED.

Nearly SEVENTEEN YEARS AGO.

Sensing a theme-rant here???

I was, haha, worried about my birth certificate, because it was a black and white copy from the 80s, but had an embossed seal on it. Nope, we were golden there. Had my voter’s ID, my social security card, proof of address, yadda yadda.

So this morning, I march into my appointment at the DMV, literally go RIGHT to a clerk because there was NO ONE in there, and hand my shit over with a smile.

“Where’s your marriage license?”

I thought I misheard her. (Possible, because I don’t have the best ears in the world anymore.) I said, “No, it’s just a renewal.”

“Yes, but you have to have your marriage license to show your name change.”

I though maybe she was a little slow, so I spoke a little slower. “We’ve been married nearly seventeen years. I’m not changing my name. My maiden name and my married name are both on my current license. That’s how I want it. There’s my birth certificate.” (Note, my other shit also had this info on it, too. I don’t have a middle name, so my maiden name is used by the state in place of a middle name.)

Well, nope.

Let me back up. Last year, Sir and I (for those of you new to this blog, Sir and Hubby are NOT the same people) made an appointment at the state Dept. of Ag office in Tampa, walked in, filled out a form, had our fingerprints and pictures taken, plopped down money, and were mailed shiny new concealed weapons licenses with our pictures on them a few weeks later.

Fingerprints. FINGERPRINTS. BACKGROUND CHECK.

I did NOT need my birth certificate. I did not even need my Nubian goats. Or my spleen.

I DAMN sure didn’t need my FARKING MARRIAGE CERTIFICATE.

So. I call Hubby and he goes through the paperwork, can’t find it. I run home, grab my iPod and a snack, and get on the road to drive south several counties to our home county to the county clerk of courts.

Over 100 miles away.

I should add I’ve only had half a cup of coffee at this point, because I thought it’d be a good idea to make a 9:00 am appointment for my license renewal to get it done and over with. You all know I am NOT a morning person.

Took me less than 3 minutes, I shit you not, to get myself two brand new, shiny, certified, embossed and all that crap copies of our marriage license.

Then I trotted my ass downstairs to the tag office there. Fortunately, just missing the lunch rush by a few minutes (the line REALLY backed up after I got there). Thankfully, they gave me my new license. If they’d turned around and told me I needed a copy of my divorce decree from my ex, I would have been REALLY farking pissed off and would have driven BACK up to the other county to get THAT as well.

And, from the “I cannot make this shit up” files, there was a woman there with a peach moluccan cockatoo in a crate waiting to do…something.

I can’t make this up.

Only in Florida, folks.

Yes, I’m a stubborn Taurus. And yes, the nice lady at the first office did give me a 30-day temporary extension (cost me $6.25). But my day was farking shot at that point and I WANTED MY DAMN LICENSE. I did NOT want to waste ANOTHER farking day on this damn bullshit.

Both clerks in both counties at both tag offices agreed with me that it is stupid that it’s easier to get a concealed carry permit in this state than a license, in some cases.

Personally? I think if I passed fingerprinting and a background check and am licensed in this state to carry a farking concealed FIREARM (or other weapons as specified by our state’s statutes), THAT should trump a GODDAMNED MARRIAGE LICENSE.

Seriously? WHAT the FARK is wrong with this picture? No wonder people run around with invalid licenses. I’m lucky that I have the ability to juggle my schedule to make a THREE-HUNDRED-MILE drive on a moment’s notice like this. What about people who don’t have that? Who don’t have jobs they can do like that? I had already ordered new birth certificates just in case, those were like $50. It would have been close to that if I’d needed to order my marriage certificates by mail (only $3 each in person). What about people who can’t afford that, and can’t afford to go GET them from the place of origin? What about people from other states or overseas?

Why does our state’s website, that SUPPOSEDLY tells you what to bring with you, NOT specify, “Hey, by the way, the name change thing applies to you if you haven’t renewed your license since before 2010.” Because the way the site reads, I did not think I NEEDED it, or I would have simply ordered it and had it ready for my appointment.

And, also seriously, I want to know how many farking terrorists or whatever bullshit excuse they’re using has this prevented? They had to FINGERPRINT me for my concealed carry license. The state has that on FILE. If they’re so worried about identity fraud, I’ve got news for them, THIS system is NOT the way to do it. Because I can see how easy it would be for someone to fake all that stuff, walk in with it, and then get a license. You cannot fake fingerprints. Not like you can documents, at least. (Maybe on CSI or shit like that they do, but not so easy in real life.)

Farking DISNEY PARKS tag a FINGERPRINT to a PARK PASS. SERIOUSLY.

SERIOUSLY.

I am NOT making that up.

Why can’t the state do THAT? Tag a thumb or fingerprint to someone’s ID? Easy-peasy. That doesn’t change. (Unless you have an unfortunate blender accident or something.) You’re telling me farking DISNEY has technology that runs more smoothly than the state DMV? Go in for a renewal, finger scan, BOOM, new license. You could even transfer that from state to state.

Maybe the wrong FARKING people are in charge. Let’s hand it all over to Disney and say screw it. It’s a goddamned Micky Mouse system right now as it is, obviously.

RANT EDIT: It is SOOOOO NOT farking fair that guys aren’t put through this same bullshit because they don’t usually change their names when they get married. GRRRRR.

RANT EDIT 2: Apparently, the FL law change was part of the Real ID act or something. Some states don’t participate in it. But for all my aggravation, I now have, no shit, a GOLD FARKING STAR on my license to prove I went through this. At least they gave me something, right? *smdh*