I teach a monthly Lifestyle 101 class at the local BDSM club I volunteer at. One of the first things I talk about is that, aside from safety issues, as long as everyone is a human, consenting adult (over the age of 18), is having fun or getting what they need from the play/dynamic, and isn’t being harmed (as opposed to hurt) in any way, it’s all good.
I meet people who literally have no idea what to ask or what to do or what they’re interested in. They can usually list a bunch of “hell-nos” but aren’t sure what their “yes-pleases” are yet.
I also add the caveat that you can go to the local hardware store, buy $5 of rope, and accidentally kill someone in less than a minute. (Hence why I harp on safety, not just as part of a scene, but emotional and intellectual and relationship safety.)
A reader recently reported to me that they recently read a book where the Top left the bottom restrained and then left the bottom totally alone, making the book a DNF for them. That was one of several mistakes in the book that told them the writer did zero real-world research.
I just watched Fifty Shades of Black and laughed my ass off at it, because while most of it was silly and poking fun at stupid things, there were also a couple of things in there that were unfortunately all too common. Stupid decisions by over-eager people.
Another big thing I harp on is do not ever let someone else pick YOUR labels for you. If you want to label yourself as a masochistic Dominant, rock on. If you want to call yourself a sadistic slave, good on ya. If someone tries to tell you, “You can’t call yourself THAT because___” then walk away. While I personally do snicker a little at people in their teens labeling themselves as a “Master” (because there is an Old Leather tradition I’m very familiar with and think of a “Master” as someone with at least more years of experience than the age of my newest shoes) it is their right to dub themselves as that. Either they’ll live up to their label, or they won’t.
Other than safety issues, there is NO “right way” or “one twue way” to practice BDSM. There isn’t. And unfortunately, I see readers who leave reviews for writers based on their fiction-only experience, things like, “That Dom wasn’t domly enough.” Why, because he didn’t commit assault by negotiating? That’s REAL-WORLD. I’m not talking fantasy or paranormal books, either. I’m talking in contemporary BDSM books.
I know fiction is fiction, but I hate it when authors who DO get it right are dinged in reviews because some readers have unrealistic expectations of what BDSM “really” is, when those readers have never even set foot in a BDSM club before.
But what cheeses me right the hell off is when vanilla writers do ZERO real-world research and put out BDSM books strictly for the cash. Then they make stupid mistakes like having Doms swoop in and start playing with an “uncollared submissive” without the sub’s permission, or using handcuffs for suspension, or massive safety issues like leaving a bound person alone.
This isn’t rocket science, but just like I won’t write a contemporary military story so I don’t make dumb mistakes and piss readers off, don’t write a contemporary BDSM book without doing some research first. (And by research, I do not mean reading other fiction books on BDSM.)
There are plenty of resources out there, good resources. And I even wrote a BDSM tutorial for writers to help them avoid the most common mistakes I see made in fiction by vanilla writers. (It’s also a great 101 for readers new to the lifestyle who want to learn the basics.)
Writers, PLEASE do your research.
Whip Me, Beat Me, Make Me Write Hot Sex: A writer’s guide to BDSM basics…and for those who are curious.
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